Just Jo!

I didn’t go the chip butty route in the end. I was civilised and cooked myself a proper tea. And it was lovely.
Which is why I have to blog it quick, so that I can do it again. Because I’ve found that the best meals are always the ones that are thrown together at the last minute, and I can never remember them. And as I ate it sat in front of the ‘puter, I can get it down before I forget.
Right….
Sensible recipe time….

Ingredients (Just for one, that’s me, ‘cos I’ve got the night all to myself!):
3 Vegideli sage and marjoram sausages, sliced into little round slices.
4 mushrooms (the big chestnut ones that were left over from something else, and four’s not enough for more than one person, which is me, anyway!), sliced.
Spaghetti (or any pasta that you fancy, I fancied slurping tonight, so spaghetti it was).
Vegan mayonnaise.
Vegan pesto.
One glass of red wine.
Oil (tonight was chilli oil, because Olivia wasn’t here and I could go craaaazy with it).

Method:
Put the spaghetti/pasta/whatever on to boil.
Fry the mushrooms.
Add the sliced sausages.
When they’re fried, add the mayonnaise, about that much I think it was. Which translates as probably a little bit more than a tablespoon.
Add the pesto. About a little bit less than a tablespoon.
Drain the spaghetti/pasta/whatever and stir in the sausages and mushrooms and mayonnaise and pesto mix.
Take it through to sit in front of the ‘puter.
Remember you haven’t added the wine.
Rush back to the kitchen and open the wine quick before your dinner gets cold.
Pour wine into a glass.
Take it through to sit in front of the ‘puter.
Remember you haven’t got a fork.
Rush back to the kitchen to get a fork.
Then sit down in front of the ‘puter, balancing the plate on your lap and eat.
Don’t forget to take sips of wine as you eat.
Then go and have a very, very, very long Lush bath.
Give a considerate amount of thought to leaving the washing up ’til the morning.
But then do it anyway.
Because deep down you can be a grown up….sometimes.

….again.
Fortunately, she’s a very adaptable and biddable child….
We *were* going to group today, honest. But with Olivia not being 100%, and it being blustery and soggy today, we didn’t. We *were* going to Lisa’s to babysit for an hour or two. But we didn’t. Lisa dropped the girls here about 10 and they dived straight into the Lego.
Now, I’m not usually given to paranoia (it annoys me and is very tiresome), but after reading this link (on IndigoShirl) to Boycott Tesco and RFID, which is this, I’m now looking over my shoulder. Scary stuff. I was reading it while the girls were all chatting away and playing with Olivia’s Lego Town. It really made me wonder what kind of world they’re growing up in. Like I said, scary stuff….and I absolutely hate having my photo taken at the best of times.

I started cutting out lots of pink flowers for Di’s card, then when Lisa got back, we did the chat and tea thing. And I cut out pink flowers. For Di’s card. And arranged pink flowers on the card. And told every child who came with two feet of the cards, “Mind the cards!” In retrospect, I could have put them up on the table out of harms way….but you haven’t seen my table. And you won’t see it, not until it starts looking like a real table anyway.
Lisa checked out some blogs, because she’s thinking of resurrecting hers. Welllll….she’s not reeeaally….I’m just trying to encourage (?) her….in a subtle way…. “But I’ve put it on my blog now. You *have* to!”
Wonder if that will work? Fingers crossed.
The girls all begged and begged for Olivia to stay the night (she was feeling loads better)….
Oh….My….Dear….Lord….!!! I have a night to myself!!!! Wednesday is also Adam’s snooker night, so he won’t be back ’til midnight (or thereabouts). So that means I would have got….ten hours nearly….all on my own….just me….nobody else….WAHAY!!!
And I repeat….WAHAY!!!
But Adam came home (how dare he?!) from college, before going out for the night. But he’s being quite lovely at the moment. So I’ll let him off. Last night, about 9:30, after getting home from work (Tesco’s, did you see the link above? Ironic, I think, is the appropriate word), he sat very patiently, while Olivia showed him every…little…thing…in my her prize box. He only has one job to do around the house, and that is to put the bin out on Wednesday mornings. But he usually leaves before I nag him, which means I then have to nag him twice as much when I next see him. I reminded him last night about the bin, but he was gone again before I woke at 8:27. “Bet he’s forgotten!” I thought, but he hadn’t! AND he’d emptied the kitchen bin as well!
And he got off the computer as soon as I asked him….
And when he asked where Olivia was, I pretended she was in bed, not feeling very well….and, bless him, his words were, “I’ll just go say hello, see if she’s alright, if she wants anything…” OK, so yes, I then felt sort of guilty. A bit.
But bestest of all, he bought me a bottle of wine to have in the bath tonight! Well, he gave me the money for one and I had to brave the elements…. but I still quite like him anyway….I suppose….
And he showed me Takeshi’s Castle greatest wipeouts on Youtube. Which follows on from last nights Darwin Awards. And it ties in with Hina Matsuri on Saturday. Another Japanese festival. This one’s for the girls, a doll festival. I’ve already printed out a little paper doll shrine for Olivia to make on Paper Model Making Sunday. Because we’re partying in a ‘crazy people partying’ way on Saturday!!!!

Back to today, after Lisa disappeared over the horizon with four girls, the first thing I did was finish Di’s card. I know it’s not much, but just being able to glue something together without somebody telling me I’m doing it all wrong, “No, put it there, it’ll look better there.”….a little slice of heaven.

All different pinks and textures. Di likes pink. And lots of flowers. Di likes flowers. Hopefully, she’ll like the card too.
Olivia actually let me use a pair of her new ‘flower power’ scissors. Ooooohh. And some of the paper flowers from Eleanor’s parcel. Double ooooohh.
Then that’s when Adam got home, “D’you like Di’s card? (It’s a card in two parts though….Birthday Card and Birthday Card: The Sequel) I made it all by myself! D’you fink it’s good? Does it look OK in the photo? D’you like it? Is it good?”….ahhh, either I’m being sardonic, or Olivia gets all her little quirks from me.

Now….If I was any kind of happy little home maker, I’d be spending this free time cleaning the house, tidying the house, baking and preparing plenty of food that could then be stored safely in the freezer for those times when spending quality time with my dear, dear children means that I really can not drag myself away from their company for one split second to cook tea….

OR….I could just say, “Sod that,” bung some oven chips in for a chip butty, open the wine and jump in the bath, for a very, very, very long time….
No prizes for guessing what I’ll be doing tonight!
(But Eleanor gives great prizes!! )

I just got this email from my friend and I felt the need to pass it on, I’m assuming people have heard of the Darwin Awards?

Yes, it’s again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an on coming train. When asked how he received the wounds he said he was trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

Thanks Es!! I still can’t work out which is my favourite!

Just as we were leaving to go to Di’s this afternoon, we got a knock on the door. Actually two knocks ‘cos we didn’t hear the first. Yes! The postman always rings knocks twice!!
He had a big yellow pizza box in his hand.
“Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know what that is!!!” I squealed to Olivia. “Quick! Look!” So she started opening it, tape flying all over the place….oh my!!! How exciting! Loads and loads of stuff from Eleanor!! I don’t know what I was expecting, but it was way beyond it!!!
We very quickly realised that if we stopped to look at everything, we’d never get to Di’s….
So we boxed it all up again and took it with us. Because we knew that Di would probably get all giggly girly shrieky, just like us!
And she did!!! She wants the scissors, she likes pink.
Olivia’s got the photo over on hers. It doesn’t do it justice though, because there is WAY TOO MUCH to fit in one photo!!! Lots and lots of scrapbooking bits and pieces! Thank you to Eleanor again. I keep trying to persuade Olivia that as it was me who went to all the effort of typing ‘Coronation Street’, I really should have the bigger half, but no, she’s not falling for it….”It’s got MY name on it! It says OLIVIA on the box! It’s MINE!”…..grotty child….you can go right off some people….
Anyways….moving on to todays other news….Before the postman brought, what by rights should be my prize, but Olivia seems convinced is hers, she did some maths (which I still haven’t looked at yet, bad mummy moment, ahem), while I tracked down all things pink with which to make Di’s birthday card (she likes pink).
At Di’s, we helped prepare a wondrous feast for Saturday’s party. Crushing cardamom and peppercorns, beating cake batter (not completely vegan, they’ve got honey, but we’ll take along one of ours on the day), draining chickpeas, making up sosmix, drinking tea…. At the end of the day, three honey and cardamom cakes were made and the stuffing for little bitty samosa’s, which went into the freezer.
As we were trudging homeward, we met Anderson from the Community Centre, who said he was very glad to see us….nice man….he’s got a ‘job’ for Olivia. Not the volunteer gardening one that everyone is still waiting to hear about, but watering the defensive hedge they’ve planted around the centre to deter the undesirable element that occasionally loiters there. She will be well supplied with juice and biscuits, so she’s jolly happy.
Except she’s ill at the moment.
Yes, Olivia, who never gets ill. She has a streaming cold, and is tired and weak and feeble.
Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be slowing her down at all. I should be so lucky! In between maths this morning, she ‘needed to practise’ running in her new trainers. Up the stairs and down the stairs. A lot. Very loudly. A lot. In fact, the only difference between her being ill and not being ill, is that I’m the lucky recipient of a health report, updated every five minutes. Along the lines of….
“I’m ill.”
“I’ve got a cold.”
“I’m really ill.”
“I can’t stop sniffing.”
“Because I’m ill.”
“Oh! I’m going to sneeze!”
“Because I’m ill.”
“Oh! I just sneezed!”
“Because I’m ill.”
“I am really ill you know.”
“Can I have a tissue?”
“Because I’m ill.”
“I’ve got such a runny nose.”
“Because I’m ill.”
“I keep on sniffing.”
“I’m ill.”
“I’ve got a real cold.”
Get the picture?? If she doesn’t survive the night, it won’t be because of a runny nose!!!

It has just occurred to me that I have not got a single joke, photo or anything (except for the link to Olivia’s photo of *my* prize) in this post….can’t be having that now….

There you go….I feel a warm glow all over now, just like I’ve done my good deed for the day….I will sleep so much more soundly tonight.

….he’s not really that old….it just seems that long….107 year old man explains his longevity

Last nights dinner ended up being stuffed Portobello mushrooms. I’d almost run out of oil, so I had to supplement it with a little chilli oil. Just enough chilli oil to give it a big enough kick that had Olivia staring daggers at me, “You used chilli oil, didn’t you??!!” She’s not that keen on chilli oil. Ha! My work here is complete!!
We also had the second viewing of Hoodwinked. Olivia manages to correct herself now, but not quite, it’s called ‘Perihoodwinked’….
Did anyone watch the Oscar’s last night? I didn’t, but just on the off-chance I ever get nominated for something bizarre, I have my speech all ready to go….thanks to Miss C and The Academy Award Acceptance Speech Generator.

The Lego/crystal mining/paper model town (a la Paint Your Wagon) has now morphed into a prison complete with inmates breaking rocks….
With incense burning amongst the buildings to add atmospheric ‘effects’….Martin Scorsese may have just won his first Oscar, but it is now time for him to step aside.
It’s still taking up an inordinate space in the middle of the front room though….I can see some kind of natural disaster (ie earthquake, flood, volcano, mum’s foot) that totally wipes out the entire town….

It’s also the start of Fairtrade Fortnight and here’s a link, for those who live in the vicinity, or who may be visiting in the next two weeks, to find out what’s happening in Exeter….oh my goodness….that was a bit of a sensible, grown-up link….I may need to sit in a dark room for a minute or two….just ’til I get it out of my system anyway.

We had another wasted morning here before going into town. We got the bus today….I had big bills to pay….I would have been very wobbly on me bike from the shock. I don’t know about you, but if I’ve just paid out £230 in bills, I need a huge slice of chocolate cake. The plan was to go to The Plant on the Cathedral Green because they do a really, really good vegan chocolate cake. And big slices too. But it wasn’t open. Curses!!! Fortunately, we had a back-up plan. Herbies. (The link says some meals are vegan, the majority can be made vegan though.) Just down the road. But that extra few minutes walk meant that we so obviously needed extra sustenance. So a quick snack to recover from bill-paying hell turned into lunch instead.
We got a table, (only just mind, packed in there it was) and had soup of the day, which was carrot, leek and butterbean. Very nice, Olivia had garlic bread with it, I had granary bread. Dessert for Olivia was ginger and citrus tart (a great favourite!), and for me was baklava, both served with vanilla Swedish Glace. We like Herbies. A lot. The food is always good. Highly recommended indeed.
Olivia couldn’t finish her tart, so I forced it down, then we waddled up to the museum.
Last summer, ’something’ was found in our back garden. But I’m not allowed to say what it was. Because Olivia wants to blog all about it. We took it to the museum for identification. Very exciting….but you’ll have to toddle off to Olivia’s to find out. Because I’ve been banned from saying anything. At all. Ever. Go on and have a look. Go on. I find it very hard to keep my mouth shut. Did you have a look then?! She’s got a photo of ‘it’ too. Needless to say, our entire back garden will be excavated over the coming months.
We’ve still got Chinese new year buzzing around in our heads, and as I’d promised Olivia months ago she could have one, we got a Chinese parasol today,

plus a couple of other bits. But Olivia’s blogged about them too. So if you went to see what ‘it’ was, you’ll know what else we got and what we did at the museum. She got another pack of trading cards, but they’re all doubles.
We both got new shoes. Olivia’s being more than twice the price of mine. But as I don’t ‘do’ shoes, I resent paying a fortune for them. Mine only cost £4 today. Bargain. And a really practical cream colour too.
With all today’s expenditure, it’s pretty obvious that today was Child Tax Credit Day. Oh yes!!! It is also Stock Up On Lush For The Month Day. Guess what I’m doing tonight? Olivia just asked what film we’re watching tonight. Bugger that! It’s Lush tonight! Yes, I know I had Lush last night. And the night before. And the night before that as well actually (ooh, I have been extravagant this week!), but that was ‘old’ stock….I have ‘new’ stock now. But that also leaves me with a dilemma….should I have French Kiss, or Amandopondo, or Marathon (with a Brazilian flag), or Blue Skies or Happy Hippy (makes a good bubblebath. Showers? Pah!!!)or….or….or….? Ooh….decisions, decisions. Oh, and there’s dinner to think of as well. I think it is a valuable learning experience for Olivia, in an autonomous way of course, to get her own dinner, while I ponder upon the miracle that is Lush….
Forgot the jokes today….I have oodles of Lush in the house, c’mon! My mind is elsewhere!!

Shamelessly pinched from Prydwen (and because it requires no thought or effort on my part!)

1) Grab the closest book to you.

I closed my eyes, reached up and to the left, got Holy Fools, Joanne Harris.

2) Open to page 123, go down to the 4th sentence.

3) Post the text of the following 3 sentences on your blog.

“Shh, Fleurette.” In my daughter’s absence, it was to Mouche that I spoke, stroking the woolly head as if it might have been Fleur’s hair beneath my fingers. “I’m here. It’s all right.”

Voilà.
I suppose you get an extra sentence for your money there, but, hey, she was in the middle of saying something!
Off you go! Do it if you feel like doing it!

After Adam’s major grump about me not letting him know where we were, then rubbing it in again the next morning, you’d think he’d make damn sure he’d be back when he said he would be. You’d think….But he is a teenager after all. And he got paid yesterday. Which meant that 11pm came and went.
As did 12am.
As did 1am.
As did 2am.
As did 3am.
3:30 and I finally get a call. Yes! You read right! Bloody 3 bloody a bloody m. That’s 3:30 IN THE MORNING!!!
“Mum! Can you leave the door unlocked?! I’ll be home in about half an hour! I’ve left my key at a friend’s house!”
I seriously considered not unlocking the door, but then he’d just bang and bang, and annoy the neighbours.
He’d already gone out by the time I woke this morning. Rest assured, there will consequences and I will have such fun implementing them!

Today has been one of those ‘bleurgh’ days….
“I’m bored! I don’t know what to do!”
Lots of wandering listlessly round the house (Yeah, ‘cos we live in a huge mansion and it takes hours to go from room to room. ) And that was just me….

Olivia did some of her english and maths workbooks, played some more with Lego and the crystal mining kit, combining the two to get some kind of mining town set up. Or something like that….
I printed some stuff for next week, read a bit, looked at the pile of washing, looked away, looked at the pile of ironing, looked away, looked at the carpet that so desperately needs a hoover, looked away, thought about what to have for dinner, thought about what’s in the freezer than can just be bunged on a tray and shoved in the oven….
We were going to go for a ‘just for fun’ bike ride. But the radio said there’d be isolated showers. I needed no more deterrent than that.
I suddenly remembered it was Sunday at 4 o’clock. “Ooh! We can make a paper model!” Except I wasn’t in the mood.
Olivia decided she wanted to make a police station to add to the mining town. So she got on with that. And I read a bit more….
I am very, very bored.

I’m dangerous when I’m bored. Small children usually get tormented beyond belief when I’m bored. Must. Resist. The. Urge….
I shall go to the kitchen, throw some food around and look like I’m being a creative foody type person.
Before I go, here’s a quickie….

Not very vegan friendly I know, but it made me giggle.

Adam ate all the bread on Thursday night, so I had to disturb his beauty sleep yesterday morning and order him to the corner shop for more. If I want toast, by golly, I shall have toast!
The museum was the first port of call for Olivia to do a clocks and time worksheet quiz thingy (and get more trading cards). Then after lunch from Holland and Barretts, we went to the community centre to do a Magical Clocks workshop (See the neat tie-in there? Clocks quiz, clocks workshop. I am soooo good!) We made fantasy clocks, Olivia’s being a cat and mine a flower.

Lin and the boys appeared too. Olivia had finished her clock, but due to liberal amounts of glue being used, we were still waiting for it to dry. So it meant she got to distract M from his clock.

They were far more interested in the trading cards. Because the workshop was part of the museum’s halfterm activities, they got yet another pack each.
We took M home with us, while Lin and J finished their masterpieces.
We still had Lin’s milk from the day before, so I could say “Come round to mine for a cuppa,” secure in the knowledge that we did indeed have milk for non-vegans. And we’ve still got it! Anyone else want a cuppa on Lin? Quick! Before she asks for her milk back! Or it goes off! Or Adam drinks it!
I got a phonecall that interrupted our tea drinking. Could I babysit? In about an hour? Um, suppose so. After Tuesday night, when I’d had no money for babysitting fees, I’d said, “If you need anyone, I’ll do the same for you….”
Parents going out on a Friday night? Scandalous!
The best thing about babysitting with a 10 year old who is oh so desperate for a little brother or sister? Sitting with your feet up, watching telly (Yes! Me! Watching telly!), “Keep an eye on the baby will you….”

They’d got back by about 10:30, but being merrily influenced by alcohol, we didn’t actually leave ’til gone one.
“C’mon. We’re going home now.”
“Oh why?!” (Stupid Question No.1) And more general moaning in a very loud manner.
“Because it’s quarter past one.”
“Oh….”
Then walking home, “Cor, it’s really quiet. Why’s it so quiet?” (Stupid Question No. 2)
“Because it’s half past one.”
“Oh….”
We got home to a major grump from Adam, “Where have you been? Thanks for telling me! Why didn’t you call me? Thanks for leaving a note. No, I’m not kissing you goodnight! Go away! I’m trying to sleep!”
Needless to say, we slept in this morning….
But Adam woke me up by knocking on my door, “I’m going into town now, then I’m going to watch football, then I’m going back into town and I’ll be home about 11. See? That’s not hard to do is it?!”
Oh, he just had to make his point didn’t he??

I thought about nagging Olivia to do some workbooks. A thought which had a lifespan of….ooh, let’s see now….about ten seconds.
She got on with a crystal mining kit.

(Hair still not brushed at 2:30. )
We got it at the Science Museum last year. It kept her quiet for hours. It may be worth investing in another trip to London purely for the bliss that quietness is.
I was playing Connect 4 online. And losing every single game. So then I sulked. I tried to pester Olivia, but she was having none of it.
“Please, please, PLEASE can I have a go?” I wheedled and wheedled.
“No. Go away!”
I really should learn to leave well alone when she’s being quiet. It always comes back to bite me.

We had three mini blackouts during the day, when the electric went off for literally a millisecond. Olivia was a tad traumatised….
“Woah! What was THAT??? What happened?? That was sooo freaky!! Why did it DO that?? Will it do it again?? You should call the electric people! It’s going to really irritate me if it keeps doing that!! CALL THEM! Find out what’s happening! Are you going to call them??”
“No.”
“WHY NOT??!!”
Yeah, like I said to Adam earlier….

We finally got round to having our chinese meal as part of the New Year festivities. We had crispy duckless pancakes from this book. That’s them on the front cover. Did you see them? Ours never ever ever look like that!
Mix together 1 tablespoon each of soy sauce….

….and blackstrap molasses, and 2 tablespoons of avocado oil. Olivia couldn’t decide whether it looked more like a runny cowpat or the measles medicine from Nanny McPhee.
Add to this fragrant mixture, 1 finely chopped onion, 6 sliced mushrooms and a tin of crumbled mock duck.

(Hair still not brushed at 5pm. )
Stir it ’til it’s well-coated, then spread in a thin layer on an oiled baking sheet. Bake for 20-25 minutes in a pre-heated oven at 180 c/350 f/gas mark 4.
Serve in rice pancakes with spring onions sliced into lengths and cucumber thinly sliced. The recipe also called for sesame seeds, vegan oyster sauce and a lime. But we didn’t have any of that. So we didn’t use them.
The recipe serves four. There’s only two of us. We like crispy duckless pancakes a lot!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I found a joke!

Yeah, this’ll be the adult humour bit. Quite mild compared to some of the others I’ve found. You’ll have to let me know if you want extra, extra rude ones! Believe me, I’ve got a few!!

Face Lift

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″. “I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

Guess what I’ll be doing when I’m 85?!

Hoodwinked/Periwinkle was good last night. I thought Olivia might wet herself at Granny’s antics.
When it had finished and I was turning the telly off, I caught the end of Troy. The bit where some bloke is saying, “Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles.” Yeah, that’ll be at the very end, the second before the credits start rolling.
Bugger! We wanted to watch that! And this week there have been Japanese animations on in the morning. Lisa told me. And she showed me in the TV pages. We’ve missed them too.
I may buy TV pages for myself and see exactly how much other TV we’ve missed this week….I heard somewhere that if you read the TV pages you don’t need to watch the telly itself. That will be my plan for next week then. When someone asks me for my opinion (and it is valued in some quarters I’ll have you know!) on the previous evenings programmes, I’ll have one to offer, instead of my usual vacant look, “Me no understand!”

We had visitors today. Lin and the boys came over, and we chatted and played with Lego. More specifically, they chatted and we played with Lego….um, no, that’s wrong….*We* chatted and *they* played with Lego. Got there in the end! And we drank tea. And got interrupted by Adam who had a really desperate, life-saving, urgent need to use the ‘puter. To play games….
We still had a nice chat though, managed to avoid mentioning sex, periods and masturbation this time. I’ve given up using those topics as ploys to get rid of Adam, as Lin will testify, they just don’t work on him anymore….

We read a news item about a huge great squid being caught…. Aha! I thought to myself. A while ago I’d printed some squid from Flying Pig….today would be a good day to make them….so that’s what we did.

Maths today was working out how many Olivia’s would be as long as a dead squid. Answer? A lot! See how our home-education malarkey is paying huge dividends??

I knitted the next square of The Throw….
And that’s been it today. Haven’t we been busy little beavers? Perhaps I shouldn’t use ‘beavers’ as a simile….um….aha! ‘Bees’. We’ve been busy little bees. Not beavers. They get up to all sorts of mischief. And they’re rude.

Now I’m going to jump in the bath (Bathos tonight) and see how high I can make the bubbles splash up the wall. Because it’s fun. And it annoys Adam when I get all immature. And annoying Adam is fun too!
I am a cruel, cruel mother.