Just Jo!

…I’ve lost count….
Not quite sure what happened to yesterday, apart from us being complete slobs and staying in bed ’til about midday, or just after, watching a DVD and reading. We watched Kes. Olivia cried. There’s a surprise.
“But….gulp….that’s….gulp….so….gulp….cruel….What’s for lunch?” Yeah, she got over it pretty quickly.
The afternoon was spent doing paper model making. I think we’re going to have to do it every single week now. D’you think there’s enough paper models in the world to keep us going for as long as it takes me to get bored??
We made the Hina Matsuri step model….

And we made a Dharma or Daruma doll. Why can’t books and stuff just stick to one name??? Yesterday, in Chofu (or Choufu!! Honestly, it’s so bloody awkward when you’re trying to Google things!!), Tokyo, there was an annual festive market selling all kinds of Daruma dolls for good luck.

We had a Granose cashew nut roast for dinner, with all the paraphernalia that a roast entails. Lovely!

Read this today….missing….slightly careless methinks, I will never again moan about Olivia losing a piece of a jigsaw.

Anyways, today, we were up bright and early to go into town first thing, ‘cos we had visitors coming round in the afternoon. I finally got round to getting a bike cover so I could shove my bike outside. It was expensive, so I’ve not wanted to expose it to the elements. But it can go out now. Olivia’s is usually outside in all weathers and is now sadly paying the price.
I bought my bike last October, since then, it’s shared living room space with us. It has been somewhat cosy to say the least….But now we have space again! Oh joy!! We have room to swing a Maisy round now!!! Except she won’t let us. I keep telling her it’ll be fun, “You know, like a fairground ride.” But she seems to think that cats don’t belong on fairground rides. Oh well….
After lunch, Lisa and the girls came round for a belated Hina Matsuri. We showed them how to make the little kimono dolls that Olivia had made a few weeks ago. Our clay dolls had dried, the girls made theirs to the same dimensions, but their’s didn’t dry in time to dress and decorate.
The only two girls who were up for a photo opportunity….

After that, although the camera was within easy reach, I forgot to take any more pics.
(Still haven’t got any of the dolls themselves. )
The little dolls got put on a wooden raft made out of lolly sticks and a bit of withy. The bigger ones got to stand up on a paper water lily. The idea is that they take all your miseries and woes, are floated down a handy river, taking all your misery and woe with them. Looking out the window tonight, the mere thought of me going anywhere near a river is just not going to happen….

(Hope me bike’s alright!)

We were going to have a go at making some Japanese dumplings. I found a recipe that could be easily veganised. I’d bought yet another cookbook in town. It is on Amazon, but there’s no image and no review so I can’t be bothered to link. If you really want to know, you’ll have to ask me. Lisa was drooling at some of the desserts, if that’s any help. It’s not a vegan cookbook, but that’s never stopped me yet, ’specially when they’re reduced to 99p. Back to the recipe, Lisa looked at it properly. Yeah, perhaps we should have started cooking it first. It needs lots of standing time.
So we’re saving that for the next Japanese festival. They come around quick, so we won’t have to wait too long.
The Dharma/Daruma doll didn’t have much luck when R sat on it, but I did find a good site for Japanese games though. So the girls all had a go at them. They all took their turns. With a bit of prompting. Alright, a lot of prompting.
After they’d all gone, we finished dressing the dolls. I suppose we could all have finished them during the day, but gosh darn it, there’s too many distractions, what with tea and chat….
And that brings me up to now. But I haven’t even started dinner or looking for a funny yet. Let me go and put dinner in and I’ll be straight back….

In Flight Service

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Shit, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

I am so sorry. Well I’m not really! It was the first one I found and it made me laugh out loud, in a very spluttering way!!
Back to cooking dinner and being a good mother….
Hope me bike’s alright.

Adam ate all the bread on Thursday night, so I had to disturb his beauty sleep yesterday morning and order him to the corner shop for more. If I want toast, by golly, I shall have toast!
The museum was the first port of call for Olivia to do a clocks and time worksheet quiz thingy (and get more trading cards). Then after lunch from Holland and Barretts, we went to the community centre to do a Magical Clocks workshop (See the neat tie-in there? Clocks quiz, clocks workshop. I am soooo good!) We made fantasy clocks, Olivia’s being a cat and mine a flower.

Lin and the boys appeared too. Olivia had finished her clock, but due to liberal amounts of glue being used, we were still waiting for it to dry. So it meant she got to distract M from his clock.

They were far more interested in the trading cards. Because the workshop was part of the museum’s halfterm activities, they got yet another pack each.
We took M home with us, while Lin and J finished their masterpieces.
We still had Lin’s milk from the day before, so I could say “Come round to mine for a cuppa,” secure in the knowledge that we did indeed have milk for non-vegans. And we’ve still got it! Anyone else want a cuppa on Lin? Quick! Before she asks for her milk back! Or it goes off! Or Adam drinks it!
I got a phonecall that interrupted our tea drinking. Could I babysit? In about an hour? Um, suppose so. After Tuesday night, when I’d had no money for babysitting fees, I’d said, “If you need anyone, I’ll do the same for you….”
Parents going out on a Friday night? Scandalous!
The best thing about babysitting with a 10 year old who is oh so desperate for a little brother or sister? Sitting with your feet up, watching telly (Yes! Me! Watching telly!), “Keep an eye on the baby will you….”

They’d got back by about 10:30, but being merrily influenced by alcohol, we didn’t actually leave ’til gone one.
“C’mon. We’re going home now.”
“Oh why?!” (Stupid Question No.1) And more general moaning in a very loud manner.
“Because it’s quarter past one.”
“Oh….”
Then walking home, “Cor, it’s really quiet. Why’s it so quiet?” (Stupid Question No. 2)
“Because it’s half past one.”
“Oh….”
We got home to a major grump from Adam, “Where have you been? Thanks for telling me! Why didn’t you call me? Thanks for leaving a note. No, I’m not kissing you goodnight! Go away! I’m trying to sleep!”
Needless to say, we slept in this morning….
But Adam woke me up by knocking on my door, “I’m going into town now, then I’m going to watch football, then I’m going back into town and I’ll be home about 11. See? That’s not hard to do is it?!”
Oh, he just had to make his point didn’t he??

I thought about nagging Olivia to do some workbooks. A thought which had a lifespan of….ooh, let’s see now….about ten seconds.
She got on with a crystal mining kit.

(Hair still not brushed at 2:30. )
We got it at the Science Museum last year. It kept her quiet for hours. It may be worth investing in another trip to London purely for the bliss that quietness is.
I was playing Connect 4 online. And losing every single game. So then I sulked. I tried to pester Olivia, but she was having none of it.
“Please, please, PLEASE can I have a go?” I wheedled and wheedled.
“No. Go away!”
I really should learn to leave well alone when she’s being quiet. It always comes back to bite me.

We had three mini blackouts during the day, when the electric went off for literally a millisecond. Olivia was a tad traumatised….
“Woah! What was THAT??? What happened?? That was sooo freaky!! Why did it DO that?? Will it do it again?? You should call the electric people! It’s going to really irritate me if it keeps doing that!! CALL THEM! Find out what’s happening! Are you going to call them??”
“No.”
“WHY NOT??!!”
Yeah, like I said to Adam earlier….

We finally got round to having our chinese meal as part of the New Year festivities. We had crispy duckless pancakes from this book. That’s them on the front cover. Did you see them? Ours never ever ever look like that!
Mix together 1 tablespoon each of soy sauce….

….and blackstrap molasses, and 2 tablespoons of avocado oil. Olivia couldn’t decide whether it looked more like a runny cowpat or the measles medicine from Nanny McPhee.
Add to this fragrant mixture, 1 finely chopped onion, 6 sliced mushrooms and a tin of crumbled mock duck.

(Hair still not brushed at 5pm. )
Stir it ’til it’s well-coated, then spread in a thin layer on an oiled baking sheet. Bake for 20-25 minutes in a pre-heated oven at 180 c/350 f/gas mark 4.
Serve in rice pancakes with spring onions sliced into lengths and cucumber thinly sliced. The recipe also called for sesame seeds, vegan oyster sauce and a lime. But we didn’t have any of that. So we didn’t use them.
The recipe serves four. There’s only two of us. We like crispy duckless pancakes a lot!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I found a joke!

Yeah, this’ll be the adult humour bit. Quite mild compared to some of the others I’ve found. You’ll have to let me know if you want extra, extra rude ones! Believe me, I’ve got a few!!

Face Lift

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″. “I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

Guess what I’ll be doing when I’m 85?!

I managed to stay awake through all of Spirited Away last night. I was right (and everyone who recommended it!), despite falling asleep on previous occasions, it is a lovely film. Olivia still prefers Howl’s Moving Castle though.
Threw Olivia into her pit after so that I could have a Blackberry Bath Bomb, ooh, forgot to mention that Saturday was a Bathos night.
That brings me up to today….
This morning, it suddenly struck me that Olivia is home-educated (gosh!), so it may, perhaps, be a good idea to actually open the odd workbook every now and then. So that’s what she did….english, maths and science. She’s getting a bit bored with just fractions at the moment, so in addition (see that maths terminology there!) to that one, she picked out another maths workbook to do as well.
In between explaining things to her, I ‘putered a bit more….admittedly, I was looking for funnies, but I found something educational quite by accident!
“Child! Stop doing that maths! Do this maths instead!”
She got out graph paper, pencils, scissors….
It kept us both quiet and pondering for longer than I care to admit….me not being a mathmetician….

Wha…? How?!
Answers on a postcard please!

Then Olivia asked what was for dinner. I looked in the cupboard…. “Um…”
As I couldn’t convince her that, as long as you’ve got water, you can actually survive without food much longer than you’d think, we had to go into town.
I opened the door, it was raining, “Aha!” I thought, “That’ll be why we haven’t been able to prise Maisy from the back of the chair all morning.” Cats, generally, not being nearly as stoopid as dogs….

We got the bus, I thought it’d be safer. With all the coughing and sneezing fits I’m having, I’d either fall off my bike or crash into something.
We only really went in for food, but made a detour to see if Art of Knitting was in Smiths yet. It’s not, but Olivia got distracted by a display of cute and cuddly beavers….
Now, I can be honest with myself and hold my hands up to the fact that I can be a little immature and smutty at times….But….???
The display had cards of said beavers with slogans such as ‘Nice Beaver’, ‘Wet Beaver’, ‘Hairy Beaver’ and ‘Brazilian Beaver’…
“What??!!” says I, “They can’t do that! That’s so rude!!”
“What?”
“They can’t say that!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s ruude!”
“Why?”
(This was the point that my ‘Small Child Alert’ button went off)
“Because….because…..Aha! Because of the implication!”
“The what?!”
“Exactly!” I said, hoping to confuse her into silence (It’s never worked yet, but I live in hope!)
“Ahhh! Look at this one!” Olivia held up one of the cuddly beavers, “It’s got a little sign. It says, ‘If you can read this, you’re too close to my beaver’ That’s so cute!”
“B****y not!” says I spluttering, as I drag her out of Smiths.
“But why’s it rude?”
“One day, I promise, I will mature enough to be able to explain ‘things’ to you without giggling. Promise. Cross my heart. Now, what d’you want for dinner?”

She’s playing with a calculator now, while I think about cooking dinner. I know we have food, ‘cos I just bought some….

I was woken up very politely with a cup of tea this morning, so I thought I’d be one of them nice mums you hear about occasionally. I read some of Our Island Story, the demise of Charles 1 and then his son.

It reminded Olivia that we have a video of Henry V lurking in a cupboard and she was desperate to watch it. Then realising it was written by the William Man, she wanted to do all things Tudor-ish and Shakespearean. First up was grabbing every single book that was in any way, shape or form connected.

I got to spend a quiet hour making a mini Globe Theatre. Well, it would have been quiet if Olivia hadn’t kept pestering me….

"Go away! Leave me alone! Let me do it myself!"

"Mum! Can I please do it?!"

It’s a teeny tiny model that sits in the palm of my hand. She got to make the big Elizabethan Theatre that I’d bought last year, down in Totnes I think. She did it all herself and was so excited because it came with a much-shortened script of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, with full stage directions and everything. (Should have let her do the Globe….I wanted to do the biggie!) When it was finished, she really felt the lack of suitably aged siblings to enact the play. Adam had gone out by this time (couldn’t really see him participating anyway!) and it’s really hard to control a cast of 24 with only 2 hands. She gave it her best shot though, with Maisy for an audience.

There is photographic evidence, but I’ve got to wait for Flickr….

The rest of the day was spent in the highly educational pursuit of finding lots more paper models to make. She got round to making a few from a site that she’s had her eye on for a while now. A very girly one, with lots of fairies, cute animals and the odd unicorn thrown in. And she made me a frog while I was in the bath. Result!! I like frogs I do!

After dinner, we went upstairs to finally start watching Henry V. She is Shakespeare mad, so I think a trip to the real Globe is essential at some point this year. We got halfway through but then it was time for bed. Technically, I suppose she was already abed and p.j’d. But we’re out tomorrow so she needs to sleep. Please!

And I wanted to watch Dawn of the Dead anyway because I hadn’t seen the new version. ‘Twas alright…. if you don’t need any kind of intelligence for a couple of hours. I still prefer Shaun of the Dead though. Very funny and very English. Well, what other nation would immediately sit down for a cup of tea after killing two zombies (Don’t use the Z word!) in the back garden?!

Now I’ve just read through this, it sounds like I’m being very sensible and somewhat grown-up….Can’t be having that now can we?!

So to redress the balance….here’s a joke courtesy of Prydwen. This’ll be the adult humour bit….for those who actually read the categories listings!

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "f*** or drown."

Now I’m going to bed and hoping that I get up in time to catch the bus tomorrow!

….and Prydwen always makes me laugh!!

How to get a refund.

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work. The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming …

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma’am what’s wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed …

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma’am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Today started pleasantly enough. Olivia woke me with a cup of tea and we snuggled in bed to read a few more chapters of Our Island Story (ooh, that King John, what a scamp eh?!)
We came downstairs and decided to finish a withy and tissue paper star that we’d started….um….er….last January…. ahem…. We had three more points to do, it takes two of us, one to hold the paper in place, the other to cut it so we get the right size triangle. It started getting a bit glue-y, so we took a break to let it dry a bit. I went to wash my hair and gave Olivia some worksheets to do on ‘time’….
She has a very dodgy relationship with time, and immediately started wailing, “But I don’t like time!!!”
I am well aware she doesn’t like it. Which is why I gave her the really easy ones. Simply converting to and from a 24 hour clock.
I went off to the bathroom, leaving her muttering behind me, “I don’t like time….”
“Shut up! It’s easy! You’ve just got to add or take away 12. That’s it!”
Not more than a minute later, banging on the door, “I’m stuck! I can’t do it! It’s TOO HARD!!”
“What is?”
“Every time I try adding 12 to 4 I end up with 5 past 4!”
For the love of….give me strength….
“What is 4 and 12?”
“16.”
“So, how the bl….(must not swear, must not swear…) so, how, sweetie, light of my life, have you ended up with 5 past 4??”
More wailing, “I DON’T KNOW!!”
Explained it all again, “You. Add. 12. To. The. Hour.”
All was then quiet. Adam had come down by this time to ‘check emails’.
When I’d come out of the bathroom, Olivia had finished her worksheets, “Adam said they’re all right. But he said to put pm after the 16.”
“No. That’s the whole point of 24 hour clocks, you already *know* it’s in the afternoon or evening.”
And Adam’s ‘checking emails’ consisted of Bebo (and lots of scantily clad girls) and Fantasy Football League. That’s teenage boys for you….sex and football.
It seems like I’ve been doing a lot of ‘rolling eyes’ lately…. that’s probably because….oh yes…. I bloody well have been!!!
And just to give you a snapshot of the area we live….
We popped out in the afternoon to get bread and rolls for lunch….
A Lidl’s trolley abandoned on the pavement in front of our garden.
A car roared past, windows down, music blaring.
Two girls standing at the corner of our garden, screaming,”Like your car mate!!”
Further down the road, huge amount of dog turd, not blaming the dog, blaming the owner who obviously dragged the dog along, thus spreading dog turd over even greater distance.
Bit further on, three girls arguing, then one of the girls grabbed another by the hair, almost pulling her to the ground, before screaming, “Yeah, just you try getting away!”
At the end of the road, burnt out and abandoned wheelie bin.
Salubrious, ain’t it?!
“Quick! Run home! Lock the door! Close the curtains! Open the wine! Bugger! It’s too early!”
Spent the rest of the afternoon looking at my watch, “No, it’s still too early! What time does ‘cocktail hour’ start anyway?!”
In between the clock watching, we finished the star.

(Apologies for blurriness!)

Olivia finished another worksheet on 24 hour times.
“It’s much easier now you’ve explained it!”
Hang on, let me just rewind time a minute….yep, I did explain it at the very beginning. I am not cracking up….not just yet anyway….
She also did a ‘naming continents’ worksheet and a ‘prefixes’ worksheet.
We had another stab at completing an Usborne skeleton that we started last….ahem….summer. The skull is almost finished now.

“Alas! poor Yorick, I knew him Horatio….”

I actually had to look up this quote!!! Would have been a darn sight easier if I hadn’t got me MacBeth mixed up with me Hamlet!
And getting this last lot of photo’s up…..what a blinking palaver!!!!
I kept putting in the sim card and nothing was happening. Not a sausage. I ended up having to turn off the computer completely and restarting! Which is why half the photos are so blurry, I can’t be arsed to sort out the good ones!
Olivia has been chucked in the bath, “But I’m sort of going off the idea of baths….”
“Get in!!!” Autonomy only goes so far!!
Stupid Question Of The Day (x2)
While looking at Wikipedia, the MLK entry,
“Is tomorrow Martin Luther King Day then?” (How much have we been talking about it over the last week?!)
And falling in a heap at the bottom of the stairs,
“Where’s the mistletoe?!” (stupid because it came down on Jan 3rd after she, herself, noticed it was dropping all it’s leaves and berries!)

!!!WARNING!!!
Adult humour coming up!
Because I very much need it!
Thanks to Prydwen!

A college Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably out drinking beer with his mates.”

I am now going to put pics on Olivia’s blog so she can write around them when she gets out of the bath. Then the plan is for me to see how long exactly it takes me to finish a bottle of wine….
Oooh! No, I can’t!! Amazon are coming early tomorrow!!! With my new DVD player!!!!
WOO HOO!!!!
Must make sure I’m up extra, extra early so I don’t miss the delivery!!!!!